Disappointments and Limitations: Starting a New School in a New State

Starting a new school in a new land is harder than I anticipated, but I felt like day 2 actually went very well for all the boys.

School started back yesterday. 

This was an exciting event that I’d finished in high gloss and framed in my mind as a victorious day ushering in a new era for me.

Without a single pre-schooler following me around I will have a spotless house, serve gourmet dinners, volunteer at their school, and run wild and free through grassy meadows.

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

High expectations. I love to do that to myself.

Three years ago, my heart began to give me trouble, so I saw a cardiologist, and she told me not to exercise until we’d figured out what was going on with my heart.

We’ve never fully figured out what is causing my v-tach episodes, but they gave me back my freedom to exercise. Phew!

That lasted for about 6 months, and then my general practitioner took away my exercise again. “Only exercise in water. Otherwise, your joints are going to get worse and worse.”

Limitations. I hate them. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, am I not too young for such physical limitations and too old to have silly, unrealistic expectations?

For two years, I did not exercise. Occasionally, I’d rebel, suffer the pain of it, and reform. Meanwhile, my weight packed on at lightning speed.

I’ve come to see myself as this overweight, tired lady with a ticking-time-bomb heart and deflated dreams.

Lovely, eh? That’s disgruntled, disappointed, low self-esteem at its best.

But this hope of having a whole 6.5 hours/day to accomplish things alone drove me.

“I can lose the weight.”

“I can walk so much and do so many weight-bearing exercises (with small weights) that I can’t possibly mess it up with chocolate chip cookies.”

“Alan will love how clean the house is, and he will be impressed with me.”

“My blog will thrive again because I will have so much time to pour into it.”

“The sky’s the limit! I can do anything I want!”

“I’ll finally go get that MRI I was supposed to get a month ago and show the cardiologist how good my heart is doing.”

Some of these thoughts are healthy, I think. You gotta have drive to get through life, ya know?

And yet, you know what is inevitable with hopes of this sort? Disappointment. Problems. Unmet expectations.

Back to school day one wasn’t even over before Daniel developed strep throat. So guess who isn’t at home slaying all these accomplishments today? Me.

Daniel said, “No, I just want to sit in here with you, on the sofa.”

For 5 hours, I basically just sat with Daniel and cuddled on the couch. We watched Ninjago and Peter Rabbit and looked at old family photos of vacations at Legoland and the beach.

I still enjoyed it, but normally I would’ve cherished it so much more because I wouldn’t have had all these unmet goals in my head.

So no, today I did not impress my husband or anyone else for that matter. I have no idea what we will be eating for dinner. I actually fell asleep in Daniel’s bed around 1pm and woke up to see a giant block tower with farm fences built beside the bed and Daniel downstairs playing the x-box.

If I don’t get strep throat myself, it’s a miracle. Plus, I’m playing chauffeur tonight, which I rather despise, so I’m dreading that.

But God knew this all along, didn’t he? He knew my freedom would have a brief interlude. He knew I’d make grand plans that would fill me with disappointment when they came crashing down in front of me.

It’s actually serving as a good reminder to me, though it doesn’t feel like anything “good,” because I so desperately wanted to be wonderfully productive this week.

The thing is life isn’t about accomplishments, exercise, to do lists, or gourmet meals. Life is about love and people. That’s what life is about.

Yes, you heard it. I am DEFINING life right here on my little, low-traffic blog!!  And I dare you to argue with me. Ha! Because this time I’m right. (Maybe just this once, okay?)

Life is about love and people, so when you look at it this way, perhaps I am a smashing, unexpectedly amazing success after all because that is exactly what this day was about. Love and Daniel, and he is a person.

Just look at your life through that lens when it feels like you don’t have an accomplishment to your name. What’s success anyway, if it isn’t about love?

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.    1 Corinthians 13: 1-3

You might think, “No, April. Love and God.”

Well, yes, but if you love God then you must love people. You SHOULD love God most of all, but you should display that by loving his people. How can any of us love God, who we can’t see, if we don’t love people, who are right in front of us?

After all that’s what the Bible teaches:

Thus I am reminded to be content, no more like empowered, to show love and maybe only achieve 1 or 2 things from my list, or maybe none at all. I can work on this list any day at all, but Daniel needs me TODAY.

I hope you’re having a good day too, loving God and people. I’ll bet you’re way more of a smashing success than you think you are!