Indulging the Homesick Feeling

Today, no that is not true, this whole year honestly, I have felt SO incredibly homesick. This is not a small pang that comes and goes. It is a longing much deeper than that.

I have always said that home can be anywhere, that it is where my people are. That is mostly true, but the thing is that a pandemic year is the worst year ever to be newly moved in. Plus, there is the whole problem of my not even trying to make a place home any longer. I have hardly tried at all.

Maryland is lovely. You could not ask for a better city, better neighborhood, or even better neighbors. Things are perfect here. We even follow pandemic guidelines better than the South, so we are all honestly much safer here. Our COVID numbers are down while at home they are up.

But it is not home, at least not yet.

I have not felt this homesick since the year we moved to California. Alabama is home. Virginia is a second home, so that was extremely comforting last year, but Maryland is still new, and it is just not home. It is not.

Last week Alan’s cousin Alyson, who is our age, was in the hospital for twelve days, fighting for her life after open heart surgery. All week our thoughts and prayers were in Birmingham. I am relieved to tell you she is at home now. Praise the Lord!

This week, as I was cleaning, I came across an old journal from my senior year of high school. One journal led to another, and now I have just read my way through my entire college experience. It was so entertaining because I always had at least one or two little melodramas going on, but it was also so sad because I miss those people, all of them.

I miss running to my parents’ house when I wanted to escape my problems for a weekend. What I would not give to go shopping with Mom, or Katie, or Leigh. How I would love to sneak in a beach trip with Jennings. I want to pick up the phone and call Heather, Nikki, and Ginny right over for a drama analysis of what I should do about this problem or that only to all end up laughing hysterically about who knows what.

I want to run down to Chrisynda’s room to watch movies with the group and eat her Little Debbie cakes. Then I want to jog around the campus of the University of Alabama without my back or feet hurting. I used to think those were the good ol’ days, but after reading these journals, I was reminded that those days were full of worries!

I want to go walking at Westgate Park, see an Alabama football game, and have Dad walk in the door at home to surprise us all with Goldfingers or donuts.

Usually by July fourteenth, we have all gone down to Alabama, visited all the family, and also squeezed in a beach weekend. This year I booked it all for August even before we knew about the ‘rona, but I know it is better this way. It is hard to wait though.

The past is a place best left undisturbed. Obviously, I cannot go back to my college days, but I would love to see my friends. And I do not want Alabama to be my past anymore. I want back in. With school out and all church happening at a distance, I am missing the ties that are needed to make this place feel like home. The boys are in that same boat with me. For Alan, it may not be as bad since he has his job.

The Army thing is a whole other part of it. We are eighteen years in to this Army gig. An escape to civilian life back down South near family and friends could be so close it feels reachable. It teases me constantly. I dream about what kind of house we will have and all the land I would like to live on.

But I don’t know that we are close to that Army retirement.

Alan is currently still on track to stay in. I do not see anything stopping him from getting promoted again. You have to have twenty-two years in to make colonel. Alan is currently a lieutenant colonel. A thousand times I have said it, and I still feel this way, but I cannot be the person who stops him from achieving that, if that is his goal.

My permanent return to Alabama could still be years away, but I try not to think about that. Even returning to the D.C. area would at least be a little closer to home.

Today none of that matters though. At this moment, I am just homesick. I want to go home and see the people I love and miss so much. Being away is suffocating me now, especially seeing that my children are not settled in here either. They think they are happy, and they play their video games with their friends everyday. That is why I let them play video games so much. Minecraft time is friend time in our current environment.

Now I know we will be okay.

I will. The boys will. Eventually, we will all be out and about again. God is still in heaven. The sun still rises every morning. Sky appears to be fully in place, not falling down around us.

In three weeks, I am going home. I do not care what tries to stop me.

Pestilence, disease, tropical storms, whatever. I do not care. We are going home for two weeks. Alan’s leave has been approved, and I cannot wait.

I am even trying to lose a few pounds so I will look more like the April you know and love. The last four years, ever since I began taking beta blockers, I do realize I have steadily been packing on the weight. So far I have lost four whole pounds, but that just means I am about back down to last summer’s weight. I still have a ways to go, but I am working on it.

The boys have quizzed me ever since school finished on when we are going to Alabama and why we have not left yet. We are all very ready to see you all.

Allen and Emily, I will let you know when have our schedule figured out because we want to see you so much. Amy and Greg, you too. Alyson, we will be happy to bubble wrap ourselves before we come see you so we don’t give you any germs. We are just so happy you are back home.

Nonna and Mom, y’all cook or don’t cook whatever you want, we just want to see everyone! We’ll eat or sleep anywhere. I only wish it could be going home to stay, but I will take the two weeks we are given.