****This post is part of my series on Real Army Wives. This series follows my husband’s first deployment to Iraq in 2003, but it’s the story of the wives back home more so than the men at war. Click here for last week’s post, Alan’s Convoy Attack.*****

Mon., October 6, 2003

Alan,

I’ve had a week off now to think about what it is I should be doing. I really still want to be a physical therapist. The only reason I ever dropped it was because of all the science classes. So today I searched every college in a one hour radius of here, and there are NO physical therapy schools, not even any physical therapy assistant schools.

So that door is just closed to me. Now I simply don’t know what to do. And I’m unsure if I should look for part-time or full-time work. Plus, I’ve already planned long vacations for Thanksgiving and Christmas and payed for the plane tickets.

I don’t know what to do. What do you think? I’d really love to hear your thoughts. I love you, Alan.

I was talking to Elsie today too, and she said that the Army will pay for you to get a master’s degree. You just have to commit to more time in the Army. I want you to know that at this point I would be fine with that.

You are excellent at what you’re doing, and I know it makes you happy. And now I KNOW what it is like to have a job that you hate, so I think once you find something you enjoy, you should stick with that. I will always support you.

[clickToTweet tweet=”I know what it is to have a job that you hate. Once you find a job you enjoy, you should stick with that. #milspouse” quote=”‘I know what it is to have a job that you hate, so I think once you find something you enjoy, you should stick with that. I will always support you.'”]

It’s hard with writing. Sometimes you may read things one way, but really I was saying it another. There’s no sure-fire tone of voice in writing. So let me just say this: This letter is written in a completely, gentle, thoughtful, tired kind of voice. I am a person who at this moment is just wondering what direction to go in.

It must be awesome to know what you want to do and be doing it. I wish I were as lucky as you. Oh, now I’m making myself cry…

Sarah’s husband Zack is landing in Killeen TONIGHT, in the next few hours. She’s all excited and anxious, of course. She wanted Cloe and me to go with her, but when she found out he’s getting in so late, she told us not to worry about it.

Sarah’s husband was finished with his service obligation and was on his way home. How we would miss her!

I guess my world is about to REALLY change. I’m going to miss Sarah. They’re moving in December too. I guess it’s like when Reston (Lt. Arizona) left you. Reston’s wife is supposed to find out today if they’re sending him home or not. I wonder if she found out, and if he’s coming home or not.

I broke the computer desk Saturday. I was having trouble buying a flight ticket, and I was feeling all rushed because I was supposed to be at Elsie’s to go to the hockey game. Everyone was waiting for me, but the American Airlines site kept messing up, so I was angry, and I slammed my fist down on the desk, and the shelf below just popped right out…..Sorry.

I miss you: firm, steady, calm, responsible, you. I need you.

I hate being a lazy bum like this. I hate how everybody asks me what I’m going to do.

I hate that you’re allergic to cats, and that I will have to give up Kitty.

Everything just isn’t what it I thought it should be.

And I’m going to have to wait 6 more months to see you again. How I wish you could just be here tonight. I wish you could be on that plane with Zack.

In a perfect world, huh? But of course, this is not a perfect world.

But Lord willing, one day you will be back. One day I will wake up before lunch time. One day I’ll be doing something I enjoy. One day.

I love you, Alan. You’re my husband. Talking to you is the highlight of my week.

I love you,

April

****************

Melancholy

Melancholy is not my typical state at all, but I do suppose that’s where I was when I wrote that letter.

Finding yourself at a fork in the road when you have no idea which way to go is not my favorite. It can be an exciting phase when you stop to consider the seemingly endless possibilities, but it didn’t feel that way to me.

I felt lost in the desert all over again, stuck in the middle of Texas with no plan whatsoever.

Doors all around me were closed, but I can tell you I am not one to sit around in the waiting place, content to just be. No, that isn’t me at all.

Restlessness is a feeling I cannot tolerate. That’s how I began my traveling phase.

This was 2003, well before the days of iPhones, but we did have Google Maps on our personal computers. I charted myself a course, mostly on I-10, got myself a good night’s sleep and set off for Alabama in my royal blue Pontiac Grand Am.

My parents would be so surprised when I showed up at their door unannounced!

I did call my brother, a college student at Troy at the time who lived at home with my parents, just so someone in the world knew where I was, but I swore him to secrecy.

I pulled into my parents’ driveway around 2am. I’d called Mom a couple hours prior to arriving to insure safe entry. Ha! But Dad didn’t know I was there until he got up in the morning. That was such a fun surprise!

There in Alabama, I enjoyed just being with my family. I slept in my little twin bed, in the bedroom I’d shared with my sister for most of my life. The familiar old surroundings of home and family were healthy for me. It was a good time to put my recent failure behind me and come up with a new plan for the future.

I actually spent most of the rest of 2003 on the road. Instead of staying with family through the holidays, I drove back to Texas a week later. Then I took a trip to Houston to Cloe’s parents’ house, along with Elsie, Kayla, and Cloe. After that, there was a trip to Florida with Jennings. I had Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with both families, and I’ll have to save more about all those trips for another chapter.

I think where we run to in times of trouble or uncertainty says a lot about us.

For me, I guess I was running home to my mom. Ha! But sometimes that is absolutely the BEST course of action, isn’t it? I hope my children will know they can run to my house as a refuge too.

And you’ll be happy to know that I actually did come up with a plan, quite of my own accord. I decided to take the GRE and go back to school, to a local satellite branch of Tarleton State University. I enrolled in the graduate school to pursue a counseling certificate.

Did I want to be a counselor?

Eh…not really, and certainly not right away, but I was considering it. I felt deeply that I was too young to be counseling people. But I WAS excited about going back to school and getting back into the psychology field. My bachelor’s degree was in psychology, and I figured I could figure out my path as I went along.

Sometimes you have to jump right in and try it to figure out if a thing is for you or not!

Life as a military spouse is just like that. There weren’t many online graduate programs that I knew of, so I was doing the best I could with what I could find.

“When we are so wedded to what we think should be happening or what we want to happen, we don’t see what IS happening.”

SaveSave

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Caleb drew it. We all colored it. This is a tradition that we enjoy.

Wow! What an election year, eh? Alan got to be in Washington, D.C. for election night, but it was not just me and the boys here. Nana came over too! We had an “election party”, which is basically where we feed the boys Oreos and let them fill out the electoral map with red and blue markers as the results come in. Of course, most of it had to wait until the morning.

I always stay up as late as I possibly can to watch the results. I only made it until midnight this year. Parenting takes it out of you. Doesn’t it?

The whole election thing got me thinking about choices.

Choices, choices, choices.

They are constant aren’t they? So many decisions all the time. Some of them harder than others. We’ve all made our presidential choice. Check. Phew! Done. But there are so many choices left to make.

Today I had several messages on my phone to answer. I had house cleaning that I’ve been neglecting (as usual, because bleh–house cleaning). I had this absurd need to watch news anchors discuss the election with the experts. Then there was John David, wanting to be taken outside. I had a blog that needed updating. And I have growing boys that need me. Every minute that I spend doing or not doing anything is a choice that I make that says something about my priorities.

I try to always start my day out with God’s Word and prayer because when you put first things first, everything else should fall into place.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”   Matthew 6:33

I loved this quote from Beth Moore:

“You may have many different things that you want to do, but they may not have anything to do with what you want your life to be about.”

I wrote it down and stuck it to my wall. I need that reminder. Am I trying to do every little good thing and ending up stressed? We can’t do ALL the things. We have to do some picking and choosing somewhere.

OR am I carefully choosing to focus on what it is I want my life to be about?

Just a little food for thought on this sleep-deprived-post-election day. What is your mission in life? That is the most important question here.

I want mine to be about serving the Lord. I want to walk in peace with Him, serving him by serving others through the ministries that He has given me. I want my boys to feel cherished and to know what is important. I want my husband to have a wife that builds him up and is a trustworthy companion. I want my blog to be a gospel-sharing ministry that brings joy. I want to live a life that is in line with God’s plan for me.

How about you? What do you want your life to be about? What things do you say ‘no’ to in order to focus on your mission?

P.S. Congratulations are in order to Angela, of Missouri, for winning the bamboo cutting board!!!!  Hurray!! Want your own? Go here to order one.

Click on this picture to read the Veteran’s Day article I wrote for Monterey Premier.

Happy Veteran’s Day! Hope you all get a day off!

The post The Weight of the Choices that We Make appeared first on Stories of Our Boys.

I thought, “No big deal. It automatically saves…..” It didn’t.

You will be happy to know that I did not panic. I felt sad, but I internalized all of my bad feelings rather than annoy anyone by “venting” my frustration. That’s right. You can look for an April explosion from this suppressed disappointment later……

I’m not the kind of person that can re-create awesomeness. It’s gone. It will never come back. So we will just hit the highlights. Forget my brilliant essay, and since no one will ever get to actually read it, I can call it brilliant. 😉

We will just stick to the bullet points:

• Home-schooling. It’s happening. We are really going to do it, ya’ll. I’ve ordered the curriculum. I’ve attended information sessions, book fairs, and read copious amounts of information. I’ve been planning, and planning, and planning. I’m even getting excited about this.
• Embarrassment:  I’m not too thrilled about announcing this to the masses. I admit it. In my mind, I’m still wondering if this officially makes me a weird-o. Many of you are nodding your heads…. On our trip out West, Alan would tell people, “Actually, we are home-schooling.” I would all but elbow him, as I wanted to hide under a rug and whisper, “Would you please stop telling people that!?”
• Does this make me crazy? Nah. I’m just doing what I think is best for my family. Neither of them listen well in a large class setting. Their teachers have told me that repeatedly, so I know the normal-for-these-days classroom setting of 28 kids to 1 teacher just isn’t working. At least I will be working a 4:1 ratio. Why stick with something that isn’t working?
• Clarification: The boys are doing okay in school. They even do really well at some of it, but the thing is that I know they could do better. So we try something new. They are smart boys. I know they can do well.
• This was the answer to my prayer, and it was loud and clear. Do you ever get loud and clear answers to your prayers? It makes the decision so much easier.

What I worry about:

• Making friends: The boys are really good at making friends. We are as social a family as you will find. If I am unable to find friends for them through our tutoring service (Classical Conversations), church, or extracurricular activities, this may not work.

Hope:  It’s been AMAZING to see the 4 of them playing together just fine this summer. Also, they have been making friends everywhere we go: church, the playground, the library. They always walk away telling their new friends, “Come back tomorrow!  We’ll play some more!!”

• Fitting in in my neighborhood–Will anyone else in my neighborhood be doing this??  Or will they label me “that crazy home-school lady”???  Noooooooo
• Fitting in with other home-schoolers–These ladies seem so much more “together” than me. As a group, they are thin, accomplished, healthy-food-eating, conscientious, seemingly- perfect- people. What if they find out about the way I down soda when I’m stressed or that my baby is 12 months old and still wakes up once each night????  😉 Shhh.  Don’t tell them.
• Also, when do I get to go to the dentist….or the hair stylist???  You can’t do those things with children in tow, and Alan does not work flexible hours.

Hope: Of course, there are no perfect people. I should be fine as long as I’m nice, accepting, and friendly. Right?? I will quote Reese in Legally Blonde, when she went to Harvard, “Relax. Everyone will love you.”

What I’m not worried about:

• Curriculum– I’ve done a little of this before, so I’m well acquainted with what works and what doesn’t for my boys. I think I have found some awesome materials, through Classical Conversations and A Beka. I LOVE the lesson planning part.
• The teaching– I’ve been teaching Joshua all of his math for years, since he doesn’t listen in class. Thankfully, this past year his teacher picked up on that, and I got a break! I also taught in Texas, ages ago, so I feel comfortable with that portion. When you have children, you teach all the time.
• Okay. That’s about all I’m not worried about!  Haaa!  Excited but nervous first-year home-schooling mom here, ya’ll!!!  Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. See the comment box below!!

I have high hopes for this year. We all do what we think is best for our family right? And as we say in the South: “There is more than one way to skin a cat.”

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