Learning to Suffer Well or at Least Find the Balance

God will deliver us.

Have you ever been through something hard that you knew could not be walked around? Life is a muddy puddle for me right now, but there’s no way around it. It must be walked through.

Do you know what I mean? We all have our things that we go through.

My chosen theme for 2016 was to fix my SI/hip/back/leg pain. That’s the goal. Instead, 2016 has been the most painful year I’ve had in a long time. I’ve pulled out of this before though, so that encourages me that perhaps I can overcome it again.

At least none of my ribs have popped out of joint this time, ha!

My body is becoming a huge obstacle to me. It is stiff and painful and worst of all, it is incapable, and I hate that. Don’t you hate it when people call you “weak’?

Who wants to be weak? Not me.

I want to shout, “No! I’m not weak. I’m raising four little boys. I’ve sent a husband away to war for a year straight each time. I am not weak! I’m TOUGH!”

But my body disagrees. My body is sad. I’ve taken to going to the gym this week to walk in the evenings.

Thoughts in my head at the gym:

“Geesh, why is my heart rate so high? Oh, I should be taking my medicine right now. Ugh.  I’ll be okay for just a 20 minute walk. I’ll take my medicine when I get home. Why am I like 90 years old??

Oh my goodness! The girl next to me is running on speed 7.2, and her heart rate is only 120!!

What’s mine? Oh, 180. Let me slow it down to 3.1 for speed. 180 just sounds bad. I wonder if it is. I wish I had gone to medical school. I wonder if I look like a pathetic, frail old lady to her (girl running).”

I’ve had sacroiliitis pain for years, but now there are all these new pains to go along with it. Plus, I want to hurry up and get it all seen about, but insurance is taking forever.

I’m kind of nervous when I get out of bed in the morning. I have thoughts like this:

“Will it be a fever day? (Yes, yes it was.) What is it about fevers that knock you down and render you useless?

Where will the pain will be today?

I have got to act at least normal enough that the kids don’t get behind in school.

I’m afraid that no one will ever be able to fix this. I said I wanted to put Humpty back together again, but the thing is that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put Humpty back together again.”

I want to have more empowering thoughts. I want to learn how to be the kind of sufferer that doesn’t tell others about the pain, but if they don’t know, how will they ever be able to give me the grace that I need?

So there must be some sort of balance. Lay down the pride enough to ask for help. I had to do that today, at the park, when I couldn’t get my body to cooperate with pulling JD out of his baby swing.

But I do not want to become so consumed with my own pain that I can’t do anyone else any good. That scares me.

And you know where we should go when we’re scared? On our knees, on our knees in prayer for help. The Lord is still in heaven, and He knows exactly what we’re going through.

Here are a few verses that have given me comfort on my quest to suffer well:

“I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply, I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God. For I said, “Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips.” For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.”    Psalm 38:14-17

“If I should say, “My foot has slipped,” Your lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me your consolations delight my soul.”  Psalm 94:18-19

But you know what the thing is? If you want to hear God’s consolations delighting your soul, you have to be quiet and listen to Him. If you never listen for His voice, no, you probably won’t ever hear it.

So I’m making time to listen. I am getting low, real super low, down close to the ground. I’m carrying my troubles to Jesus because while doctors have failed me before, the Lord never has.

I encourage you all to try it too. Get low and get quiet. No electronics. No t.v. Just you on the floor, hiding from your children if necessary. You, on the floor, listening for the voice of the one who made you.

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."  Micah 7:8

“Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”  Micah 7:8






  • “Weak” is not a word that I would ever think to use to describe you. There is a big difference between having pain to deal with and being weak. You come from a long line of strong and determined women. lol Our strength comes from just what you are doing now, asking for God’s help. He has seen me through so much in the last few years. So many times, I felt like such a wimp. But I kept remembering His promise…With God, all things are possible. Hang in there, baby. He will see you through this.

  • This is a wonderful, reassuring comment Linda!!! Thank you!! I do come from an insanely awesome lineage. The Lord will see me through. And I’m so glad you don’t think I’m weak. Ha! I guess I do still have some pride.
    April recently posted…Learning to Suffer Well or at Least Find the BalanceMy Profile

  • My neurological condition causes my muscles, my body to ache everyday. Some days are better than others. I tell my husband I often feel 90 years-old 🙂 I worry if I feel this bad at age 34 what will I really feel like at 90?? But I carry on! I am training for a half-marathon. I am proving to myself, no pain no gain. I have had this condition all my life and I know God chose me for a reason. He knew I would gain strength from my “weakness”. I have been through many emotions in the past from depression to anger as of why I have this condition, but the older I get, the more I see other people struggles with (cancer, tumors, etc) and I hope this is the worst of my struggles in my life. I got this. I am sorry you are in pain. Pain sucks! Get mad, sad, angry at the pain, but do not let the pain make you mad, sad, or angry because you are stronger than the pain 🙂

  • Jen

    April I am so sorry! I wish I could give you a big old hug. I do not think you are weak at all. Just the opposite. You are working, it is hard, but you aren’t stopping and you are letting God give you the power to keep going when it is the hardest and you just want to stop. I am proud of you and will pray that good things come your way. Sometimes in my darkest periods it seems like those kinds of things abound. I hope they do for you too 🙂
    Jen recently posted…The Key To A Perfect Key Lime PieMy Profile

  • McMom

    You are my hero, April. I was such a complaining weanie when I was wheelchairing around during my pregnancy. I let it get to me. You are keeping your priorities in order and your perspective is great. That is God at work in you, and it is lovely.

  • I am one who whines when I get a sliver April, and as you share from the depths of your heart my heart really goes out to you.. This cannot be easy for you.

    One of the things I do grapple with is why God allows pain and suffering with His children.. As I read this post I marvel at your trusting faith. You are absolutely right. Close to the ground before God is where we all should be.. God really knows what we all go through. Thank you for teaching something very important.

    I praying for this insurance issue, and that the God who knows the number of hairs on your very head would lead you through the right channels to the medical person who knows what your diagnosis is, and get you on the road for treatment.

    Hang in there April. To repeat a comment above, you are definitely not weak. But I am in aw of your strength and perseverance.

    God bless,

    Carl Wright recently posted…The Day The Paper Girl’s Job Became RedundantMy Profile

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