Day 2: Tackling Low Self Esteem with Truth and List Making
hahaha! What does it say about how much I did not love summer this year that I’m blogging a whole series on “recovering from summer.”
I feel like I should explain that it has more to do with moving this summer and leaving so much undone and waiting for “after the kids start school.” But really, is there ever an end to projects?
Plus, I spent a large amount of time outside this year, and I want to whine about how hot it was. I’m a fall person, I can’t help it. I AM SO READY FOR FALL!!!!
Lately there has been a little more time during the day for me to be alone with my thoughts. Not only that, but as I’ve been talking with my friends, I’ve been listening to the words that I’m saying. With the boys at school all day, I have time to reflect on what I’m hearing and saying.
I realized as I was talking the other day that I actually believed that I’m not good at anything at all.
So much happened in the 4 years we were gone from this place. They weren’t bad years, but they were growing-up, maturing kind of years. Actually, just moving 3 times in 4 years was tough, and that’s not even the part that I focus on most. It feels like I walked about a billion miles to get from there to here, and my body wants to sit down and soak in a bath and just process it all.
Life brought challenges, new tasks, hardships we’ve had to see the boys through, and relationships that changed how I interact with others.
Both difficult and wonderful things have happened, and I internalized so much of it in a negative way. I let it bring me low, not humbled, but defeated and rather sad.
You, my blog readers, are also my friends, so I want to share a little of what I’ve been dealing with. Maybe you can relate.
There were several things I felt like I failed at, then there was the heart scare, the not being allowed to exercise, the weight gain, a difficult person I had trouble with, seeing my parents deal with the fire, the constant moving, and maybe I didn’t handle it all that well. I tried to act like I did.
Low Self-Esteem
My self-esteem became ridiculously low. You might actually call it an inferiority complex. The things I have been saying to myself were HORRIBLE. These are lies I’ve believed.
“You are an inadequate housekeeper.”
“You’re not good at anything.”
“You’re so chubby.”
“Alan doesn’t approve of me.” (These are lies. All of them.)
“Everyone hates your blog. Stop writing it.”
“You were pretty when you were young. Now you’re ugly.”
“You’re annoying. Don’t talk so much.”
“Your views are controversial. Don’t tell people what you really think.”
“No one would hire you even if you tried to get a job. You have no skills.”
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
What to do about low self-esteem
I’m no expert here, but I think the first step is realizing that this is a problem. It’s not a little problem. Living defeated is a BIG BAD DEAL when it’s stopping you from fulfilling your purpose.
I heard people talk about a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face.” (I make like 12 cents a copy if you buy it through that link. lol) I haven’t actually read the book, but the statement made sense to me because in the practical sense, I often skip washing my face in the interest of accomplishing something I deem more important. In the applicable sense, you can tell from the title alone that this is a “Get back up!” sort of message.
You know I love YouTube. So I went there, and I typed “girl, wash your face” in the YouTube search bar. A long list of videos by Rachel Hollis popped up. I watched a random video about finishing the year strong. I don’t even know which one it was.
She kept talking about how she tells herself things like, “You are super fit.” or something like that.
That got me thinking to the crap I’ve been telling myself, just horrible lies I’m believing about myself, rather than believing anything GOOD about who I am and what I can do.
I was in my kitchen, baking cookies for the kids, and I realized, “I have to make a list! A list of how to fix this and a list of POSITIVE thoughts about myself.”
List #1
Healing Self-Esteem Issues
- Pray about this.
- Ask God why you have this problem.
- Identify how you have been dishonest with yourself.
- What lies or unimportant truths are you listening to?
- Make a list of what makes you valuable & what you do well.
- Tell yourself new truths to replace the lies.
I made this list for myself through tears of determination. Yes! Why have I been stumbling? “Who am I?”
What have I been doing? How did I allow myself to come to this place?
It’s OKAY to be sad. I might even still feel sad for whatever reason, but believing evil lies about yourself is helping no one.
You are of high value!!!
List #2
The Confidence List
On this page, I wrote only solid, positive truths about myself.
Things like this:
“I make delicious no bake cookies.”
“God greatly loves me.”
“My children adore me.”
“Alan thinks I’m pretty.”
“I have courage.”
“I am not fake.”
“I put myself through college in 3 1/2 years.” (Answered prayers!!)
“I share my lessons with others on my blog.”
And I actually wrote way, way more than that. I wanted to pass these ideas along to you, in case you need to make those lists too.
After I made these lists, I also sat down with Alan and discussed this struggle with him, so he could understand what’s going on inside my head and my heart.
Life is tough, but we don’t have to believe the lies. We CAN live victoriously.
I firmly believe there are both good and evil forces in this world. God wants only what’s good for you, and the devil knows that the worse you feel about yourself, the less likely you are to do anything bold and beautiful for others. He wants us cowering in a corner, but that is not what we are built for.
I know I can’t overcome my low self-esteem in one weekend, but by golly we can forge ahead, right? I hope you’ll make your confidence list too!
Is this something you’ve dealt with? Tell us in the comments section how you rise above it.
First off, congratulations 👍 for this post. This is awesome. Its been a whils month I am lacking self-esteem. And I am very demotivated. This post satisfied my lack of self esteem, I am seeking right now. Your post really motivated me to get back. So thank you for sharing 🙏
I have terrible self esteem. I think I always have. I do work on it, but I like the way you work on it even better. Mainly because the way I work on it is with a counselor and she’s retiring. TMI.
You’re so lovely, April, and so good at so many things. I need to tell myself that too.
Very relevant to my life! I found myself recently comparing myself to other pastors and our church to other churches, and my mind magnified what I saw as the deficiencies. I thank God for the truth and the reality that Christ is my standard.
I hear ya. It’s so hard to not look at those other yards of green grass. Comparison is the thief of joy, but God has a different plan for each of us.
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I did something similar because in therapy, I talked about how I don’t really matter to the world. I feel like that somedays. I was homeschooling for 12 years and sent all my kids off to school this year. I work from home. It’s very quiet here LOL. Like I can hear crickets outside my window! And its a bit scary because my thoughts tend to run away–like you said, with negativity and putting myself down. And I don’t feel like I’m good at anything either.
So I got some awesome advice from my therapist. I actually really love seeing him because I don’t feel so lost although at times, talking about me tends to make me sad…too much self-focus I think. But he gives me ways to cope and that has been a huge deal for me. I was seeing a counselor who didn’t do that and I just felt like I was venting with no solutions. Ugh, I can do that with anyone! I need help. But thankfully this guy gets it. So anyway, he suggested I make a list of why I matter and ask my husband and kids. Honestly, they weren’t very helpful. Mom is funny and nice isn’t what I was looking for. But I did manage to make a list and it has helped me to refocus my thoughts on those things.
I also followed his suggestion to take up a class. So now I’m signed up for 2 watercolor classes which is scary because I don’t like group stuff and I’m a perfectionist, but it’s also great because I’ve wanted to learn how to watercolor (like real lessons–not those dumb internet ones!) and be good at something. So that’s my focus right now.
I still sobbed this morning when my family all left and I was sitting here in silence. I’m finding this entire thing strange. I know most moms would kill for a free day. Me, I cry because it’s too quiet here. I love the quiet. I don’t love my thoughts in the quiet. And I don’t love being alone. But I’m also grieving 12 years of being with my kids. I feel like I get zero sympathy because most of my friends are homeschool moms who would love a break. So I blog instead ha ha.
My son, who is extremely happy and fun loving told me yesterday that 2 girls didn’t like him in school. He cried and I felt so bad!! This kid is the most loved kid I’ve ever met, so it hurts my heart that he has to learn that not everyone loves him. So I said “It doesn’t matter what those girls think. It only matters what you think. And you know what–we all think you are funny and a wonderful person. Those girls probably have their own problems”. He told me later that he felt better. Ugh, it just makes me sad how life can literally make one bitter pretty quickly. Even fun loving boys with very little problems. Eventually they learn that life isn’t as happy as they thought and people can be jerks sometimes. It’s that self-esteem that I try to instill in him though. Because people are mean and rude. It doesn’t mean we have to be that to ourselves.
I love all of this!! I saw a counselor a few years ago too for help through this health break down phase that I had and she was amazing for just the reason you mentioned. She gave me strategies for my marriage actually.
12 years was a long time to home school. I only made it through 2, and I still had to take 6 months to sort of adjust to that big change of them going back to school. 12 years is amazing to me, just because I thought home schooling was hard to do. It sounds like you were really good at that too!
Yes! I didn’t even bother to ask my kids because “funny and nice” is exactly what I would have gotten out of them too. 😆
I hope your watercolor classes go well.
Oh, and I think watching your child struggle with people being mean is the hardest thing ever. We had a bully last year, and it was hard. My son didn’t even realize how awesome he actually did with handling that.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s comforting to hear im not the only one who struggles with low self esteem. Recently stumbled upon a free audio book by Dr. Aziz / sear the shyguy.com / about Self Confidence….Ive been told by professionals over the last few years thst I need to increase my self esteem…I needed to Love myself they said….I just couldn’t fathom that I didn’t love myself.. .Me? Positive Pollyanna Perfectionist …..then I beat mysrlf uo for being so ignorant and stubborn about it when it was so simple to fix….I struggle DAILY. hourly. Wirh Negative Self Talk…
I just Thank God that now I see…I must always practice loving kindness to myself as I would a friend. Im working on my self identify now and reshaping how I see myself……its a struggle andbim grateful I now know ny thoughts are not the truth… Wow The mind is so simple and complex….so I just stop thinking..breathe..Follow God Pray. Be grateful Love others Share. Im now excited about my career beginning again after I was Stuck ..doing nothing but thinking and too afraid to make more mistakes or be rejected to do as little as possible to survive…oh that was a sad scary time…..Thanks to Aziz and You for sharing your struggles to help people like me…Saving my life
God Bless
You are brave to share this with us, and I’m glad you did. I can relate to what you’re saying. It really is a daily struggle. It sounds like you have gotten help too and come far, which is also a huge deal. You should be so proud of yourself. God bless you too!!
I’m loving this 12 days series! Sounds like you’ve had time for lots of introspection…good stuff. I hope you have the following on your list, if not, you should add:
-Gets excited with others/shares their joys
-Energetic
-Passionate
– Demonstrative
-Can turn drama/crises into funny stories
– Charming
Just a few things I think when I think about you! Another good list I make at times is list if blessings. All these things I think meet the Phil. 4:8 criteria!
I’m glad you like the series so far!! And thank you so, so much for the list add-ons. I actually did not have ANY of those on my list. I agree with all of them, except I’m always afraid that I’m lazy and not energetic enough. But that’s because I compare myself to Alan, who is energy itself. lol …which is exactly why we should never compare ourselves to others. I like your mention of Philippians 4:8 as well. It fits perfectly here.
McMom again. Sorry, got a new (to me) phone and I keep forgetting to put my name…