Weeks 6 and 7: Sometimes I am not okay.

Tuesday, April 21 (Week 6) The Mostly Happy Week

I am taking a break upstairs, listening to Alan’s surprised voice downstairs saying, “Y’all already ate that sherbet!!??” It truly is eat or be eaten around here. Food has a short shelf life.

School is going better though! Therefore, my stress level has decreased. Monday all the boys’ work was due to be turned in by 12pm, and we had most of it turned in on Friday afternoon. New assignments were not released until today, some of them not even until 12pm today, so it was two light days in a row. We do most of our work in the late morning anyway, so what isn’t done by two o’clock is not getting done until the next day.

A nice relaxing activity that we are doing to close out our school day is gathering in the living room to read together.

Now that the teachers have the academic stuff covered, we are back to reading through the Little House on the Prairie series. We are on the fifth book, By the Shores of Silver Lake. Today we read through the chapters where Jack the bulldog dies and Ma and the four girls ride the train to their new town in the Dakotas, and it had me in tears.

Then I spent the afternoon editing thirty-six minutes of video footage created by our nine-year-old. The video was hilarious, though not always on purpose. There was a great deal of film dedicated to the floor and ceiling of our house.

Ah, the quarantine life.

Friday, May 1 (Week 7) The Anxiety Week

We are all alive. No one here is sick, but we are not always okay.

I am far too stress ball for this. You know how I felt about home school if you have followed me long. “Never again,” I vowed, “Never again.”

And yet, here we are. The whole world is home schooling our kids. They say it is not really like regular home-schooling. Instead, they say this is actually crisis schooling. Oh boy, they are right. (“They” would be the writers on the internet with far more readers than yours truly.) This is definitely a crisis, and you know who is not the cool, calm person you want by your side in a crisis? Me.

It’s true. I am a panicker.

Google says that panicker isn’t even a word, but it should be. I can assure you being a panicker is a very real thing. Perhaps, the grammar experts would rather I say that I am a worrier, or something, but those are not accurate statements. I lose zero sleep worrying, but I flip out easily in the privacy of my own home. Over reactor is probably the best word for me.

Ever heard of Generalized Anxiety Disorder? It runs rampantly through my veins, but not in the way you might think. I am not a fearful person or a germaphobe, and I don’t think up strange new things to worry about either. But I do flip out when I feel like I’m failing. I go into full panic attack, and truly I spin completely out of control.

“You can’t find your writing notebook? Why? Is it not in your box? No?”

I’m already feeling edgy from a morning of managing the kids and their schooling. My child doesn’t care that this essential school supply is missing, and yet I go into whining mode. Feeling highly irritated because I would rather be doing so many other things, but I am so uptight that I am determined to find the missing notebook. I search each room we use for school. There is no sign of the notebook. Ugh.

Meanwhile, another boy doesn’t understand the directions on his assignment and needs me to explain.

Simultaneously, my sixth grade boy is finished with all of his work and wants to know if he can go play Minecraft.

Oh, but don’t forget the third boy. He is patiently waiting for me to come back because I promised I would help him with his social studies chart.

And there goes my brain, all overwhelmed and panicking, exploding all over the place.

I scold myself, “Why? Why can’t I be a cooler person?? This is all freaking me out way more that it should. How do other people juggle multiple problems at once? I’ve had children for fourteen years now. Shouldn’t I be a better parent by now?”

The boys end up being the ones comforting me. “It’s okay, Mom.” They sweetly pat me on the back.

I finally give up on finding the notebook, as all the frustrated energy is drained from me. I dig a different notebook out for J.D. to use. Some of the boys will just have to wait. Dan and I work our way through the social studies chart. I send Caleb downstairs to watch t.v. until I am ready to handle questions.

And when the day’s school work is done, I don’t feel accomplished that we finished all our week’s work a day ahead of schedule. Instead, I feel guilty and disappointed in myself for basically crying over spilled milk and not setting a better example of how to handle problems.

Did I pray and meditate on God’s word this morning, to set the tone for a good day?

Yes, yes I did, most faithfully, but sometimes that isn’t enough. In the heat of moments when you feel like chucking a computer through a window, having prayed and read God’s word three hours ago does not save you from feeling out of control. At that moment, I’m not walking in the spirit. I’m letting new problems and anxiety get the best of me, but don’t worry. I didn’t actually throw the computer out the window. I do show some restraint.

It was exactly like this four years ago when we tried home-schooling last time. Back then I had to learn to stop in my tracks when I would begin to feel frantic or angry . Sometimes, I would even have to physically remove myself from the situation, drop everything, and beg God for help at that very moment. I have to walk away, maybe even step outside and breathe some fresh air, and regain my senses before I can return to handle the chaotic situations where it feels like everything is going wrong with a restored heart and mind.

Getting enough sleep is important too in times like these. Your ability to cope is slashed in half when you are tired. Taking time to sit on my porch is strangely beneficial to me. I love watching the birds or drawing on the sidewalk. Normally, I love taking walks, but while my feet are injured I have to settle for front porch sittin’, which is surprisingly restorative.

I often wonder if any other moms have as hard a time with computer school as I do. We are all different. I’m sure there are some moms who love doing school this way, but it’s hard for me. It’s not the kids’ fault either. They have been very sweet and cooperative, but managing people is still like wearing a porcupine bra to me. It is definitely not my talent.

But it’s not good to dwell on one’s shortcomings for long.

Dwelling on the negative is a detrimental thing to do. So I’ll get back up, dust myself off, drink a little coffee, finish my blog, and finish up my dinner preparations. We are having BBQ chicken and mashed potatoes tonight. That’s a meal most everyone will eat. Life goes on, and with God’s help, we will do better tomorrow. Alan is in the kitchen now, teaching Joshua how to make instant mashed potatoes. See, it can be a good day after all.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11: 28-30